Freud also dabbled in this notion of "desire" as a cause of suffering. But he also believed that we don't control who we desire, but that we do control how we respond to that desire. It's another way of saying that we can't control who we desire; but we don't have to feel guilt and shame about it.
Indeed, I would agree that we don't control who we desire. It's something that we just "feel." This can be somehow liberating if we understand that we are not "responsible" for our feelings of desire. Mark Epstein, author of "Open to Desire: The Truth about What the Buddha Taught," expounds on the idea that desire need not be a cause of suffering and can actually deepen our spiritual lives. He suggests that if we can free ourselves from the guilt and shame of our desire, and just "be" with our desire, we can potentially experience it in new ways that we may not have predicted. From the book:
"Seeing desire as having its own agenda frees us to look at it more evenly. As Sappho observed so many years ago, it comes from elsewhere, stirs us up, makes us question who exactly is in change, and carries the possibility of enrichment as well as the threat of obsession. From this perspective, the arising of desire becomes an opportunity to question, not what we desire, nor what we do with desire, nor even how we make sense out of desire, but what does desire want from us? What is its teaching? We have to be very quiet to listen to desire in this way."
And let's face it: throughout life, we will encounter many situations in which we cannot consummate our desire. Of course, there are many reasons why we don't pursue desire; some of these reasons are:
* one or both parties is in a monogamous relationship
* religious convictions (denying the "flesh," so-to-speak)
* there is simply too much at stake to risk it
* the timing is all wrong
* the desire is unrequited (perhaps the most painful reason)
* the pursuit of desire may put at risk an underlying friendship
* all or any of the above
The list of circumstances that prevents the consummation of desire is long and often complicated. So the key really is to just "be" with our desire, to listen to it, to experience it quietly and not cling to idealized manifestations of consummating the desire.
So are we bound to a life of longing and the ache of unconsummated desire? No, not necessarily. There are coping strategies that we can employ. So this idea of just "being" with our desire, to be open to it, to acknowledge it, to experience it "as is," is fascinating to me. So, what we "do" with our desire will determine how much we suffer. If we can feel our desire "as is," and not cling to it, and not reject it, we have a better chance of diminishing our suffering. Within this context, we have to realize that the satisfaction we think we can get through the consummation of desire is in and of itself ultimately elusive (this reminds me of the Stones' song, "Satisfaction," as in, "I can't get no..."). Deep personal contentment and satisfaction are internal to ourselves; it is a myth that another person can assuage our loneliness and satisfy all our desires.
Another coping strategy is to revere desire as beautiful and mysterious and even divinely inspired. Another passage from the book:
"The next principle of working with desire is to see it as divine. By this, I do not mean simply idealizing the beloved in the manner common in early stages of falling in love, although this is an eye-opening experience in itself. I mean the recognition of how incredible it is to be capable of desiring, or being desired, in the first place. Especially when stripped of all the addictive fixations that can accrue, the mere existence of desire as an energy that can enthuse us is awe inspiring. The recognition of the divine in desire is less about moving toward an ideal than it is about acknowledging its immanence."
I love this excerpt! So, our very emotions are divinely inspired. He continues:
"Everything we see and whatever we desire can be experienced as signs of God's presence. The blue threads, knotted to Moses's clothing, are visceral reminders of this truth, but our own desires can function in much the same way. They, too, are threads of blue, living representations of God's blessings. This is where the spiritual possibilities of desire begin to make sense. Just as the Indian cosmologies refuse to make a distinction between the microcosm and the macrocosm, between the erotic and the divine, so does the Sh'ma seem to indicate a similar linkage. By attending to desire with the same care that we might listen to our souls, we can move out of our usual way of thinking where there are always two: an observer and an observed. The Sh'ma points to non-clinging, toward the dakini, toward the shared subjective reality where there is no object of any kind."
So, in other words, it's all good. It's OK to feel how we feel. Just don't cling to idealized notions of how you "want" things to be. Experience desire "as is," respect the feelings you have, and feel the beauty and wonder and mystery and divinity of just having those feelings in the first place. One more excerpt from the book:
"By learning to see desire as more of an impersonal force, as happens under the spell of prayer, meditation or psychotherapy, the soul is invigorated. The links between desire and the divine are opened as the self's appropriation of desire is loosened. Like a knot around the finger, desire, ever present and often troublesome, can serve as a vivid reminder of our connection to something vaster than over everyday minds."
And finally, this thought: that love (Platonic, "pure" love, that is) is superior anyway to sexual desire. I would tend to agree with this idea overall, because it seems that sexual longing often wanes, while love is a continuing cycle of renewal and replenishment. And it is a reminder that our bodies are transient and temporary, while our spirits are forever. In a way, I can take solace from the idea of nourishing my spirit (especially if my body suffers from longing). Let us live and walk by the Spirit.
Walk by the Spirit, Galatians 5:1, 13-25
1It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. 2Behold I, Paul, say to you that if you receive circumcision, Christ will be of no benefit to you.
3And I testify again to every man who receives circumcision, that he is under obligation to keep the whole Law.
4You have been severed from Christ, you who are seeking to be justified by law; you have fallen from grace.
5For we through the Spirit, by faith, are waiting for the hope of righteousness.
6For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but faith working through love.
7You were running well; who hindered you from obeying the truth?
8This persuasion did not come from Him who calls you.
9A little leaven leavens the whole lump of dough.
10I have confidence in you in the Lord that you will adopt no other view; but the one who is disturbing you will bear his judgment, whoever he is.
11But I, brethren, if I still preach circumcision, why am I still persecuted? Then the stumbling block of the cross has been abolished.
12I wish that those who are troubling you would even mutilate themselves.
13For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
14For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, "YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF."
15But if you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.
16But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh.
17For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.
18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law.
19Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality,
20idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions,
21envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
24Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
25If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.
1 comment:
Wow! There is so much to chew on in this post.
BTW, you're a great writer.
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